So what do you do when you feel hatred sneaking up in your heart? When bitterness silently steals your happiness? Well, I should know because this pretty much sums up my 2014. It was a toughie. If I'm being honest, making it to January 1st felt like a marathon where I finished last. 2014 was one nasty, school yard bully of a year. Why? Because I allowed myself to hold on to grudges and those grudges turned into dark clouds that followed me around every day. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to jump off any buildings, but life did get blurry for awhile and I struggled with trying to find myself.
The WORST thing about holding grudges is that the person(s) who hurt you so deeply has NO IDEA. They are just living life without a care in the world while you wake up every morning with the weight of the world on your shoulders. And you guys. That weight is so heavy.
So how do you do it? How do you move on from this? Can you recover? Obviously on January 1st I didn't magically wake up and find all the hatred and bitterness had been left in the previous year. But I did make a commitment to stop allowing these old wounds to continue to hurt me. How? I have no idea. I'm going to need a lot of help from my Savior. I'm also grateful to know I have a kind husband who is always around to hug me tight when I get lose sight of my commitment and a sensitive dog who oh so
grossly sweetly licks away my tears when they sneak out of my eyes.
It's hard to hurt so deeply and never hear the words we all learned at an early age- I'm sorry. But then again, when you're years in and you still haven't gotten that apology, it probably means it took the wrong train and got lost along the way. Aka- IT AINT COMING. I am going to try so hard in this new year to accept the apologies I never got.
Friends. Life gets hard. There are so many beautiful, happy moments and I am so grateful for those. But unfortunately we also have to endure the not so happy ones, too. You know the days I'm talking about. Those days where the worst mistake you make is getting on social media to find out that everyone else has it going on except you. Or those days when you've watched Netflix for so long the "Do you want to continue?" button pops up and you just yell at the Tv-ITS MY LIFE I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. Or when your favorite dog rings his potty bell seven times in one hour and you're suddenly considering putting him up for adoption. The days you look in the washer and realize you've forgotten a load of wet clothes in there for a good week now and it smells so bad you're wondering if they are going to get out and walk themselves to the dryer. Or even the days when you find yourself crying out of nowhere because you have allowed bitterness to sneak in and steal away your happiness.
The weight of the world is heavy. But I know that I do not have to carry it alone. In this new year I am choosing joy over everything else. I am weeding out all the hatred and bitterness that snuck into my life. I choose light. I choose forgiveness. I choose joy. Will you?
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr.