Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Dear Justin,

Hello. It's me again. (Sorry, I had to start it out this way since you've been singing that dang song on repeat ever since I showed it to you a week ago. It's my fault, really. :p)

Can you believe this week we celebrate four years of marriage? Year one was pretty rough, even though I told everyone otherwise. I will never forget our screaming matches and my hysterical breakdowns and wanting out. I was in such a dark place. When I reread all of my facebook posts and look at old pictures I get so angry at myself because I lied so much. "Oh who says year one is the hardest? It's been so perfect for us!" I could strangle that girl. But you have to understand that I had my reasons. I wanted to believe my own lies because I couldn't imagine life without you. 

And I hope you know that as cliche as this sounds, it was never you. I was 20 when we tied the knot and I had so many things weighing on my little heart. I had just had a laughable wedding which I wished so badly I could go back in time and redo in a backyard with only 20 of our closest friends and family. (Family optional, we all know half of mine never showed up anyway) I had just gotten into the biggest fight with my mother and poof, she was out of my life just like that. My best friend and maid of honor bailed on our wedding two days before we were set to say "I do" so I had to pick a last minute replacement. So many other horror stories I could share, but you know them all well. To this day I still don't like looking at wedding pictures because I get bitter. I want a do over.

But it wasn't about the wedding. We made it. Seeing you at the end of that altar made it all worth it to me. We got to run away from the world and honeymoon in Mexico. It was the best week of my life.

Except that it wasn't.

I was so upset by things that happened at our wedding I couldn't even enjoy our time together. You will never admit this, but I ruined our honeymoon. I was so caught up in the perfect day, the perfect photos, the perfect story, I forgot about something more important than all of that stuff. You.

When we finally got home I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed. I did not want to live in Florida. I hated my life in such a big way I thought about running back to the midwest more often than you know. The only problem was that I loved you so much more than I hated Florida. So I suffered through it, and I made you suffer along side of me.

I spent the entire first year of our marriage in a shell. I put myself there. It was a small, dark shell. One filled with hate, resentment, and pride. I felt so ugly. I began to pray to God to change me. I pleaded with him, actually. I told him that if he couldn't change me I would surely die. I needed out, in a bad way. That winter you told me about Boston and I knew God heard me.

When we moved to Massachusetts it was like the light came on for our marriage. A fresh start for you and me. We got a chance to connect in a new place with no lingering wounds. For the first time in our entire relationship, you became my best friend.

Do you remember when we celebrated our second anniversary? You sat across from me at our dining room table in our tiny little apartment and I sobbed out a toast. Like, could barely understand me sob. I was so emotional because I felt like we did it. We finally had a real marriage. One that was so full of life and love and happiness. And not in a fake way. You handed me a small blue box and it had a shiny little infinity inside. More sobbing. I put that ring on and haven't taken it off since. You joke that I like it more than my wedding ring. What you don't know is that I do like it more than my wedding ring. Because when you gave me my wedding ring, I was looking for a bigger carat, a better story, something else.

On our second anniversary, you handed me that tiny box and promised to love me forever, I felt like I was more in the moment than I ever was when you proposed to that self centered 20 year old on the beach. I clung to that ring because it felt so real. Oh dear god now I'm crying and you're going to come home from work and think my dog died. :p

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this. We are celebrating year four on Thursday, but I feel like its only year three. Because that first year was a doozy. I hated that first year and to this day I am still surprised we survived it. We got our do over. And I'm so glad we did. This marriage has been better and worse than anyone ever warned me it would be. I think when you lie in bed and wonder if the last few years have been a dream, that's when you know you got a good one.

My sweetest Justin, sweetie, honey, dude, brah, Allen, or whatever else I call you depending on my mood that day. I love you. I love you so much. I am so glad you never gave up on me. I can't promise I will stop using your towel, or stealing your drink, or butt humping you anytime you bend over, but I can promise to always share the center of the cinnamon roll. I promise to always tell you way too much about my day and gossip with you about things you truly don't care about. I promise to love you more than Target and Homegoods. I promise to always remind you that you're a good man.

Happy fourth anniversary, sweet boy. I'm so glad we are in this together. I love you more than you could ever know. I cannot wait to celebrate us. Thank you, for loving me enough to hold on, when it would have been so much easier to let go.

Your girl


  1. Omg this was beautiful!!! I want to like stand up and clap for you two right now! Congrats on 4 years! We just celebrated our first and I was one of those people who honestly said it was so easy, but I think you just nailed why- we got married alone with no expectations. I would tell everyone that's the secret! I'm sad to hear you don't like thinking about your wedding day (you look beautiful!!), but in reality it doesn't really matter does it. One day doesn't (and shouldn't) determine an entire marriage. And family can really screw with that so we also learned a long time ago that it's best to leave them out of our marriage. (I have issues with that too.) The best thing is to be best friends. I just realized it sounds like I'm giving you advice when your 3 years ahead of me hahaha, I'm just kind of passionate about this stuff I guess. But seriously, congratulations. And I fricking love the yearly pictures you take. Adorable!

    xo, Morgan.

    1. Thank you so much, Morgan. You are so sweet. You know, I vaguely remember seeing your wedding, only real quick so I didn't have much time to look. I was doing a quick stalk of your blog I think? I remember thinking, that is the coolest idea I have ever heard of. If I ever get my do over I'm going to do it just like that. But maybe less people and I might throw in a barn just for the heck of it. :p

      You're right, it is best to leave family out of the marriage. I learned that year one, too. Congrats to you guys, too! I know you just celebrated year one, that's huge! Cheers to many many more celebrations. Xoxo

  2. This is really amazing! Thank you for being so honest! Im so happy for you guys and this gives me a lot of hope! My first year anniversary is the end of this month and this year has not been easy. I am excited to move on to year two now! Thank you!! You two or should I say three are the cutest!!

    1. Oh I'm so glad you commented, Emily. Hang in there because it gets better! And thank you, Hudson is blushing. :p

  3. CONGRATS ON 4 YEARS!!!!!!! We just celebrated our first and I cannot wait for the next years to keep coming :) Now that year 1 is over, I can agree haha year one was a LOT of learning and a LOT of patience and a lot of work!!! It's always nice to know I'm not the only one who thought year 1 was.... you know, not as fun as I imagined ;) I swear right when it hit year two, we were doing much better (we were never doing bad, it was just a hard year haha) but yay good to know it just keeps getting even better! :)
    xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants

    1. Thank you so much, Candace! And yes, it only gets better in time! Xo

  4. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy reading your blogs. Your raw honesty about life and the emotions that you feel as a human is so refreshing whenever I decide to venture on over here. I think that people are afraid to emotionally put themselves out there for fear of rejection, but you are not one of those people, and I think that is a very admirable quality. I'm so glad to know you, and I'm so happy that you have such a beautiful life. I know just like everyone else's life, you have ups and downs. But the beauty of your life is that you take everything that make have been broken, and you have created a life that is worth living and have shared a small glimpse of it with the rest of us. I love you so much girl and I wish we lived closer! This post is so touching, I love your blog, and YOU are so beautiful on so many levels. <3


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