Thursday, October 29, 2015
How to Stay Married and keep your sanity at IKEA
I don't want this post to confuse folks. I love Ikea. Like super duper love. I go there way too much. I should have my own parking spot. But I also know how to get in and out LIKE A BOSS. I don't have time to mess around in Ikea. I got other things to do. Like nap. Naps > Ikea. Also, I decided a long time ago that if Justin and my marriage was going to work, we were going to have to stop fighting in the curtain section. So here are 5 of my best tips for surviving Ikea without losing a spouse, or your sanity.
1. If you have to go, do it on a weekday.
One cold winter day after we moved to Massachusetts I decided I absolutely had to go to Ikea right now. It was around 2pm on a weekday. First of all, I got to park right by the heavenly lit sign in the covered garage without stalking anyone for a good spot. Second of all, I walked inside and angels began to sing, there was nobody in there folks! I didn't have to wait in line for my 50 cent hot dog and most loved cinnamon roll. (Which I only eat the center out of) I waltzed through the store like a puppy who had just been let off of his leash. Why hadn't anyone told me to go on a weekday? Did everyone want me to suffer through the anxiety being surrounded by far too many people brings? Being on IKEA on a Saturday is a death wish, my friends. For realz. I went last weekend and almost had a meltdown in the curtain section. Justin and I nearly split up. Like, I'll take the dog you take everything else kind of split. It was not a good day to take an introvert to IKEA. Listen, I like you guys. I want you to be happy. So just take my advice. Do not visit IKEA on the weekend.
2. Eat First.
This one is important. Justin and I once trucked through IKEA on empty stomachs. Yep, you guessed it. Another melt down in the curtain section. That curtain section has seen more arguments than most places. All because we didn't eat the dang Swedish Meatballs before making our way through the rat maze. Eat the Meatballs, people. It could save your marriage.
3. Have a Game Plan Before You Go.
I know this isn't always possible. Especially for IKEA virgins. (Oh the virgins. You can spot them a mile away. standing in the middle of the aisle, mouth agape, taking it all in. Yeah yeah, I get it, this place rocks, but can you move now? Also, how hard is it to follow an arrow? I mean it's not rocket science. You follow the arrow the way it points because for the love of god that's how sanity is kept. FOLLOW THE ARROW PEOPLE.) But Ikea has a great online catalog. Scope it out before you go. Almost everything is downstairs so if you're in a rush, just find the aisle and bin number, take a screenshot and skip walking upstairs altogether. (Except the meatballs, do not skip the meatballs. See #2)
4. Do Not Buy Everything from IKEA.
Just don't do it you guys. I see moving trucks at Ikea all the time and I just want to find the driver and tell them how their dresser is going to fall apart in less than a year and their paper lantern they just HAD TO HAVE for their dorm room is going to rip while putting it up. I say this out of love. I am a die-hard ikea fan. I live 15 minutes away, so I'm there alot. The first few times I went, I spent over $200 a trip. And guess what? Most of that stuff is either trashed or donated because I decided it wasn't that great anyway. If you don't super duper love something, don't get it. Chances are you won't love it in 6 months. And as for the furniture, its hit or miss. Be smart about it. The things I always without a doubt get at Ikea are gallery frames, toilet scrubbies, meatballs, (ok ok you guys get it, I know) storage bins/boxes/ and things like that. I would be less likely to buy a dresser or a bed just because I know how cheap the stuff is. (Oh great now Ikea is going to hate my blog and everything I stand for) I only speak truth, people.
5. Reward Yourself With a Soft-Serve Cone.
I mean did I really need to mention this? You did it. You made it through Ikea without throwing a fit in the curtain section or cussing out a virgin for talking up the whole dang aisle. You're still married and nobody has to set up visitation rights with the dog. High five. You're like a pro or something. Walk yourself to the little 50 cent hot dog stand and get yourself a dollar cone. Because you deserve it. And I hear that what happens at Ikea stays at Ikea so technically the calories don't even count. You're welcome. ;)